Feb 08
Are you dreading that tricky conversation ?  Have you been trying to convince yourself that it will resolve itself eventually and maybe you could make it worse by tackling it ? 

If so, you are not alone !  Difficult conversations are part of life and most of us struggle with them.  Despite this, less than 1 in 10 organisations are training managers to handle difficult conversations, according to a recent survey.  However the impact of avoiding these conversations or handling them badly is devastating: 36% of respondents felt that inaction in this key area undermines confidence in management, and 42% believe it erodes the morale of their best people.

So what can you do to improve your chances of tackling a difficult conversation successfully ?

Be curious
Hold the intent to learn, be curious and explore.  The tighter you hold to a specific result, the less likely you will be to achieve your overall goal. 
For example, consider what happens when you think: “I will make them stop doing that”.  The inference is: “Firstly they are wrong.  Secondly I will point out to them that they are wrong.  Thirdly when they realise how wrong they are they will immediately want to stop.  They will wonder why they have been doing it all this time and be really grateful to me.  I am right”.  

Ok, I exaggerate for amusement.  But no matter how you phrase it, if your unspoken intent is that they are wrong and you are right, it will leak out in your words, tone and body language and the other person will automatically become defensive.  They will want to prove they are not wrong and be tempted to counter attack.

Tell the third story 
You both believe your stories are the single truth and in order to make progress one person has to shift.  Preferably them.  You both become more entrenched in your position.  However there is another way to get movement.  When you make the other person wrong, you also make assumptions about them, their intentions and thinking.  Instead, tell their story in a way which allows them to recognise it as true, like a neutral bystander might.  This means convey what you know to be true, with no inferences or assumptions. 

For example, “I find the impact of you doing this unacceptable (true).  I don’t know if you are aware of the impact your behaviour has on me (true).  I want to share this with you (true) and find out about your thoughts (if it’s not true initially, you can develop this through an intention of curiosity). I want to see if we can jointly find an option which will meet both our needs (true). 

This is the key to taking the sting out of the conversation.  The inference here is “I don’t own the whole truth to this situation.  I have a story, they have a story.  There is clearly a difference in how we are interpreting what’s happening.  Both our stories have some truth from where we stand. Let’s work together to find a way forward which I may not even have envisaged”.

Framing
How you begin the conversation is important; you may want to use this sentence to frame it.  “I’d really like to talk to you about something which is bothering me.  My sense is that you and I are seeing the situation differently.  I’d like to share how I’m seeing it and learn more about how you’re seeing it”.  This puts the difference on the table clearly yet safely.  It’s also essential the other person feels heard and acknowledged, otherwise no solution will be forthcoming.  It may sound trite, but saying “it sounds like you find that very frustrating”, or “I can see that makes complete sense now given what you’ve told me”, or even “I understand how that must be annoying” can allow the other person to relax and encourage them to focus on collaborative problem solving. There is no magic solution for handling those tricky conversations but try going equipped with a curious intention, telling the third story and framing it by making the difference explicit and acknowledging them.  Even thinking it through in this way allows you to shift your position before the conversation happens.  You may surprise yourself! 
Julia Cusack Head of Coaching & Learning