Feb 08
Are you dreading that tricky conversation ?  Have you been trying to convince yourself that it will resolve itself eventually and maybe you could make it worse by tackling it ? 

If so, you are not alone !  Difficult conversations are part of life and most of us struggle with them.  Despite this, less than 1 in 10 organisations are training managers to handle difficult conversations, according to a recent survey.  However the impact of avoiding these conversations or handling them badly is devastating: 36% of respondents felt that inaction in this key area undermines confidence in management, and 42% believe it erodes the morale of their best people.

So what can you do to improve your chances of tackling a difficult conversation successfully ?

Be curious
Hold the intent to learn, be curious and explore.  The tighter you hold to a specific result, the less likely you will be to achieve your overall goal. 
For example, consider what happens when you think: “I will make them stop doing that”.  The inference is: “Firstly they are wrong.  Secondly I will point out to them that they are wrong.  Thirdly when they realise how wrong they are they will immediately want to stop.  They will wonder why they have been doing it all this time and be really grateful to me.  I am right”.  

Ok, I exaggerate for amusement.  But no matter how you phrase it, if your unspoken intent is that they are wrong and you are right, it will leak out in your words, tone and body language and the other person will automatically become defensive.  They will want to prove they are not wrong and be tempted to counter attack.

Tell the third story 
You both believe your stories are the single truth and in order to make progress one person has to shift.  Preferably them.  You both become more entrenched in your position.  However there is another way to get movement.  When you make the other person wrong, you also make assumptions about them, their intentions and thinking.  Instead, tell their story in a way which allows them to recognise it as true, like a neutral bystander might.  This means convey what you know to be true, with no inferences or assumptions. 

For example, “I find the impact of you doing this unacceptable (true).  I don’t know if you are aware of the impact your behaviour has on me (true).  I want to share this with you (true) and find out about your thoughts (if it’s not true initially, you can develop this through an intention of curiosity). I want to see if we can jointly find an option which will meet both our needs (true). 

This is the key to taking the sting out of the conversation.  The inference here is “I don’t own the whole truth to this situation.  I have a story, they have a story.  There is clearly a difference in how we are interpreting what’s happening.  Both our stories have some truth from where we stand. Let’s work together to find a way forward which I may not even have envisaged”.

Framing
How you begin the conversation is important; you may want to use this sentence to frame it.  “I’d really like to talk to you about something which is bothering me.  My sense is that you and I are seeing the situation differently.  I’d like to share how I’m seeing it and learn more about how you’re seeing it”.  This puts the difference on the table clearly yet safely.  It’s also essential the other person feels heard and acknowledged, otherwise no solution will be forthcoming.  It may sound trite, but saying “it sounds like you find that very frustrating”, or “I can see that makes complete sense now given what you’ve told me”, or even “I understand how that must be annoying” can allow the other person to relax and encourage them to focus on collaborative problem solving. There is no magic solution for handling those tricky conversations but try going equipped with a curious intention, telling the third story and framing it by making the difference explicit and acknowledging them.  Even thinking it through in this way allows you to shift your position before the conversation happens.  You may surprise yourself! 
Julia Cusack Head of Coaching & Learning

Feb 08
As a coach and facilitator, when I ask people for one word which describes how they manage time, there are knowing smiles and guffaws of laughter.  Time, it seems, is the universal currency which we all think we don’t spend as wisely as we might.
I often hear people describing their time management skills as if they are innate and immutable qualities: “that’s just me, I’m rubbish with deadlines” or “I have to be in plenty of time, that’s who I am”.  Sometimes there are genuine personality preferences which have an impact, for example those differences illustrated by the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI).  

It’s in my genes
The MBTI describes two distinct types: one with a preference for Perceiving (or ‘Ps’ as they are commonly described for short), and the other with a preference for Judging.  For ‘Ps’ time just happens, it flows, and managing it doesn’t feel right at all.  Whereas ‘Js’ like to control and organise, indeed the very phrase ‘time management’ sounds like something a ‘J’ could have coined. The starting point for ‘Js’ is that free time is what’s left over after planned activities, while for ‘Ps’, the premise is that all time is free apart from what’s planned. 

These differences can be seen in clashes in the workplace, schools, not to mention homes all over the country.   ‘Ps’ often feel their approach is wrong “You always leave it until the last minute”.  Some of the rules advocated in standard time management courses are heavily ‘J’ flavoured: “Finish one task before starting another”.  However, this is not about what’s right and wrong, but more about managing yourself in a way which suits your strengths and doesn’t put others out.  In other words personality difference doesn’t give you an excuse to not develop your skills. 

But I procrastinate…
… Procrastination is often used in connection with time management, but it’s little more than a disempowering label.  Research shows it affects most of us; people of all types put off doing, and particularly starting, tasks.  The behaviour is actually a symptom which may have a number of root causes.  Some of the main reasons are:
Over-stimulation – too many ideas and possibilities�
Perfectionism or avoiding tasks which stimulate feelings of incompetence�
Task doesn’t ‘grab’ you

So they key is to notice what you are telling yourself when you are not starting or doing the task.  Consider these:

“Hmmm, not sure where to start, what am I doing ? Oh yes, project X. Maybe I’ll do it like this, or project Z is linked, hang on, here’s an idea…”
“I can’t do it, it might not be good enough, so I can’t even start it”
“I really must do that job.  But I’d really rather be doing the other one due next week.  Wish I didn’t have to do it, oh well”.
You get the idea.  Often these messages are out of our awareness, scripts that we have been running around our heads for many years.  But even catching these comments can really help overcome the blockage.  Identify what you say to yourself and see if one of these strategies helps get you started.

Make use of checklists
Make a checklist which breaks down the component parts of a task.  Once you have jotted down the items involved, you have a visual image of your workload.  This means, firstly, the job looks more manageable – small single step tasks you can face, and secondly, you will spot any gaps (e.g. before I do that I need to establish who’s available).  Thirdly, and most importantly, you won’t have to keep mentally revising what stage you’ve reached and what’s next.  This can be liberating indeed and great for sustaining momentum. 

Set a time limit 
Very few jobs need to be done perfectly at first go (brain surgeons can ignore this advice!)  It can feel daunting to try and find a level that is ‘good enough’ in completing a task, rather than perfect.  A simple, yet effective, way of doing this is to time yourself and do just 15 or 20 minutes – it can be revitalizing knowing you have to stop when the alarm goes, rather than struggling to get it all done.  It’s surprising then how often people then find the energy to continue with the task.

Reward yourself
A much underused yet powerful technique is to give yourself an incentive.  If it sounds far too simple, try it.  Choose something really enjoyable to do on completion of the task – not too far ahead or it won’t be sufficiently enticing.

Good luck, as they say: ‘no time like the present!’

Julia Cusack Head of Coaching & Learning